Thoughts and The Holiday Season

Well the time is here. . . Shopping, lights, trees, ornaments, cards carols. I cannot believe we are at the close of 2009 and opening a new chapter into 2010.   I am finding myself a little lost right now because I guess I am feeling guilty.  About a year ago my Grandma found out I was not going to her house for the Holidays and she told me that she gets to have me this year. . .   I let her down and now because she has left this life, I cannot spend Christmas with her.  I cannot tell her how much I love her.  I can however remember her and I still have my wonderful sweet grandpa and I love him dearly. 

Now I am not saying the Holidays won't be good because they will be great.  I am just saddened by the thought that I cannot spend it with the only grandparents I have known (till marriage).  Growing up we spent every holiday with my grand parents in their Elizabeth, CO home.  It was my favorite place to go and be.  I would go have slumber parties with my grandma and we would do crafts and play.  My grandpa was always a soft hearted man, so gentle and loving and welcoming no matter what the girls were doing.  I almost wish I was a kid again and that I could live all the holidays over again at their house with both of them and my family.  I also miss my brother this time of year.  I still have a sense of guilt from his death.  Was it me who caused him to be away so much?  Was I the cause of my mom's heart break?  Why was I so selfish that I didn't even remember he was going to be leaving the next day?  Why did he refuse to sleep?  Could I have prevented it and kept my mom happy? Should I have been the one to go?

It breaks my heart to know that I could have been the cause for all the sadness, and hurt.  But somehow I know it wasn't me, it was his time to go because Heavenly Father needed him to fulfill other tasks.  I just wish I could take away my mom and dad's heartache.  However, his death 10 years ago changed our family for good too.  I am now closer to my Sister and Brother which may not be the case today.  My parents are in love and through the loss of their son they found a new life that brought them closer together, and a huge bonus, we got to go on a family vacation and spend Christmas together on a Cruise ship after the accident!  We are a different family now than we might have been if we were to have stayed on the same path we were on.

As for my family, Jessica and Tyler have 4 kids now and even though they may have financial struggles, they are a strong family and their kids love them dearly and together with the Lord they will find a way.  Brandon and Chrissy just had their second child, a little girl named Kaylee, and he is working as a deputy at the Arapahoe County Sherriff's office, and me,  well, I am going back to school in April  for pre-nursing and I have a loving husband and a great furry child whom I adore. Then there is the center of who we are, the reason we are here, it is because of our great parents who sacrificed eveything for us. Thanks for bringing me into this world and teaching  me to be a decent person.  Thank you for helping me in all my trials and stupidities.  Thank you for Loving me when I felt all alone.


The Holidays make me think of all the things I may or may not have done throughout the year and in years past and I reflect on what I could have done better.  Thank you to all of my dear family and friends who support me.


Who can say if I 've been changed for the better, Because  I knew you?  Because I knew you, I have been changed for good.

Happy Thanksgiving everyone!